What to Ask HER References
As a general guide, always give the other person plenty of time to answer a question before asking the next one. You’ll get more information this way!
A natural conversation will give you the best information - these questions are intended to be a general guide to help direct the conversation and to make sure you don’t miss anything important.
When speaking to references, the goal is to find out if the other person is healthy and shares the same general values as you.
Opening Questions
Do you know her personally?
How did you get to know her?
How long have you known her?
Personality & Middot (try to ask for examples)
How would you describe her character & middot?
Does she get along well with her friends, roommates, family, etc?
Is she respectful to her parents and/or teachers?
Is there a particular teacher/mentor that she’s close to? If yes, who?
Would you say that she’s [kind, funny, sensitive, etc]?
What does she enjoy doing in her spare time?
Health
To the best of your knowledge, is she a physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy person?
Has she had any physical, emotional, or mental health issues in the past?
Do you know of any health issues in her immediate family?
Family
Do you know her family personally?
Is the home a stable, healthy home?
Are her siblings generally healthy & stable?
Other
How would you describe her values in life?
Is it important to her to marry someone who learns Torah (full-time or regularly)?
Does she pray regularly?
In general terms, how would you describe her level of Tziniut?